#But I've been enjoying myself so I can't complain too much I suppose

[inkedbybarnes]

anything

bucky barnes x fem!reader

summary: bucky is determined to take care of you while you're sick.

word count: 1.6k+

warnings: mentions of insecurities, mentions of illnesses (but vaguely described), fluffy ahh shit bc why not, usage of pet names such as baby and doll. bucky being stubbornly sweet (it is indeed, a warning), lowercase writing.

i've been sick the past few days hence the creation of this fic. idk why my mood drops when i'm sick... once again, this is too fluffy even for my own good but i warned you and you're reading it still anyway. 🤨 haha jk, i hope you enjoy this one! 🩷

dividers by @cafekitsune!

reblogs, comments, and likes are highly appreciated! thank you. ♡

“can you please let me in, baby?"

that was the fifth time bucky had asked the same question, never giving up on his mission to take care of you after learning from jarvis – out of all people... or robots? – that you were sick.

“bucky, i promise, i'm fine. stop trying to break the door,” you answered, your clogged nose not helping as you sounded horrible even with a concrete wall separating you from him. “go and tell steve that you're joining the mission. you can't withdraw yourself just because i'm—achoo!”

your nose began to leak, and you were now distracted with the need to find the tissue box that used to be on your bed. you didn't hear the door clicking open as well as the heavy footsteps of a certain soldier walking towards you.

“just because you're what? sick?”

you jumped, feeling the edge of the bed sink with his weight. you quickly grabbed the tissue box that was mysteriously thrown under the bed before facing bucky with the duvet covering most of your body.

“how did you open the door?”

bucky shrugged. “i broke the doorknob. you didn't say anything about breaking doorknobs.”

you sighed, not winning this argument with bucky. “you shouldn't be here, bucky. you're supposed to be preparing for a mission tomorrow, not babysitting me!”

“and let you go through this on your own? tough chance, doll. i'm your boyfriend for fuck's sake, and don't tell me that you're worried about getting me sick because we both know i'm immune," he argued, reaching out and pulling the blanket down enough to reveal your face. “are you really upset that i want to take care of you? you should be demanding things from me, baby. instead you've been hiding from me.”

“because i don't need anything, bucky. i can handle myself just fine." you huffed, knowing you wanted his attention and care so badly. remembering your face was exposed, you felt insecure again. you dragged the cover back up and turned away. “i also don't want you to see me like this.”

“like what?"

“like a mess," you muttered underneath the sheets. “you've never seen me like this before, and i swear i am the worst when i'm sick. you don't have to see me like this, okay? i don't want you to.”

you felt silly. it was completely normal to get sick, but you hated how extreme your body would act out whenever an illness would attack you. you'd always sound and look like you were fighting a battle in hell alone. the way your mind would take an entire flip and drag you to your lowest point didn't help either. so, not only were you feeling physically horrible, you were also struggling mentally.

“a mess? what mess?” he asked, lifting the cover to join you underneath it which caught you off guard. you were entirely exposed to his eyes now. “there's my girl. where's the mess that you're talking about, huh?”

with the little amount of energy left in you, you brought your hands up to cover your face. he could see how much of a mess you were now, far from the dream you've painted since the day you dated him. now, you were nothing but a nightmare of your reality.

“don't you dare hide from me. i haven't seen you all day and it's driving me insane," he complained, pulling your hands away from yourself. he brought his thumb to your teary eyes, wiping the tears away before they could fall. “i can't believe you're hiding from me just because you think i can't handle seeing you sick. what did you think i'd do once i saw you like this?”

you sniffed, hesitation holding you back from telling him the truth. it's only been three months since you've started dating bucky, and you were still in that stage where you'd constantly try impress him.

you weren't faking yourself, no. however, you still did your best to only show your good side and tuck away your insecurities. unfortunately, you had to get sick too soon and have to risk bucky seeing you this way.

“you thought i'd leave you? won't like you anymore? get turned off or something?”

you nodded, knowing that was exactly what went through your head and a bit pissed that he was able to read your mind without actually having the power to do so.

bucky's eyes softened at your confession, letting out a soft sigh as he saw how badly you were beating yourself up.

“if it's because of how you look right now, then it's true. you do look different," he answered, your chest tightening. “your eyes lost their glow, you're frowning more often, your eyes are all puffy, you are definitely grumpier than usual, your lips are dry and chapped from—”

“okay, i get it, bucky! you don't have to rub it in my fa—”

“but i won't be doing whatever is on your mind. you're sick, doll. it'll affect you. it's normal. hell, i look even worse when i used to get sick, but you? you still look so fucking lovely." he held your face gently, leaning forward to kiss your forehead. “even then, i don't give a fuck on how messy you can get. i'm your boyfriend. i should be taking care of you, helping you feel better, and bringing back the glow in your eyes. please, baby. let me take care of you.”

this time, you were looking back at him. "you mean it?"

"of course I mean it," he replied softly, his voice filled with sincerity. "i love you, doll. i don't care how you look like right now. you could look like a swamp monster and be sick as a dog, and i would still think that you are the most beautiful woman for me."

you giggled softly, his words filling you with warmth and reassurance. you felt so lucky to have a man who truly loved you and handled your insecurities with such understanding and care, and even sillier for thinking he'd leave you for such reasons.

“thank you. that really made me feel better," you told him, your arms slowly creeping forward to hold him. “i'm sorry for hiding. i was just scared to turn you off or anything.”

“are you kidding? i'm trying my best not to hold you down and kiss you all over. i haven't even hugged you for a day,” bucky said, a pout on the verge of forming on his face.

“it hasn't even been a day, bucky. now, who's dramatic?" you said, rolling your eyes playfully. “and you're supposed to be on a mission tomorrow! are you really not going?”

“when i could be here taking care of you?” he asked, as if the answer was already obvious. “the others can handle it. my main priority is to do anything you want and make you feel better.”

“anything?”

he smiled, leaning down to let your lips meet softly. "anything."

( a lil bonus < 3 )

“what is that smell?”

sam, steve, and natasha entered the compound after a quick briefing for their mission tomorrow. they joined tony and clint who were having a casual conversation in the living room about the best burrito in town.

the kitchen was an open space, the aroma of whatever bucky was cooking spreading all around the nearby rooms.

sam didn't hesitate to come closer and inspect the kitchen, finding the entire counter lined up with various spices and plates that bucky filled with his dishes.

“what's the occasion? did i miss something?" sam asked, grabbing a fork to take a little taste until bucky slapped his hand away. "ow! what was that for?"

"hands off." bucky warned, frowning at sam. “that's not for you, wilson."

“not even a nibble? come on, man. it smells amazing!”

their usual bickering caught the attention of the other avengers, immediately joining them in the kitchen which annoyed bucky even more when he saw them eyeing the food he made.

"before any of you try to ask, no. this is not for any of you."

"who's it even for?" natasha asked, the least interested to have a taste, but was curious either way.

bucky answered with your name. "she's sick."

"what? since when?" clint asked, worry flashing across his face. "can we do anything?"

bucky glanced up before hesitantly answering. "well.. she did say she wanted to watch a movie after eating."

clint snapped his fingers and smiled. "i'm on it."

"i'll get jarvis to check on her vitals every hour and create a diagnosis," tony said, already tapping on his smart watch. "assuming she wouldn't be too comfortable letting the entire team know what's going on with her body, i'll just let you receive the updates. just update me with what you can, yeah?"

"i'll talk to fury and let you both have a week free from work," steve offered. "she needs the rest and she needs you."

"oh, i'll handle fury. he can't say no to his favourite," natasha said with a smug smile. "tell her i'll bring her all her favourite snacks once we're back from our mission, and that she better be back to full health so we can go out together."

bucky nodded, chest warming with the genuine concern they shared. he was excited to let you know how loved and deserving of all this you were.

if you have any requests for bucky, send them my way! 💌

[mikailys]

MCL NewGen Ep 8 Commentary

Ik it's late and that several days have passed since the episode's release, but I wanted to wait a bit to let my thoughts simmer and write my review with a cool head. I need to rant about it so sit tight 'cause this one in particular is though lol.

As it was advertised, the whole episode revolves around Roy and a peculiar hobby of his: skinny dipping. Thomas is the one who spills the beans -as always- and everyone is curious about it. Roy explains that he only does it after the swimming pool closing hour and you know what: that is fine by me. Is it weird? Yes, but I'm not supposed to care what my co-workers do in their freetime so I personally don't mind.

And, unfortunately, that's all. To sum up, the plot is "co-workers try to go undercover to spy on their other coworker while he's skinny dipping :|

Since I don't like Roy, the premise of this ep didn't really appeal to me at all. But, weirdly enough, it had the opposite effect 'cause I've spent its whole duration feeling sorry for him. He gets the possibility once a month to train alone in a professional pool, and the six of us -which I recall you are his co-workers and his boss- have nothing better to do than to go spying on him? Just because they thought he subtly implied he wanted them to come see him?!

One. It is false since during the whole workday they kept "catcalling" him and joking about it and he wasn't really pleased to say the least. He put on a brave face, endured the working hours, and then left the office asap.

Two. You're adults, fully grown adults that are acting like literally teens. It's not normal for grown-ups to feel excited, see Elenda and Thomas, to play spies to see your co-worker naked. It is weird and creepy.

I'm glad at least I wasn't the only sane person to comprehend this was wrong and absurd on so many levels. Paradoxically enough, the only one I found myself agreeing with was Amanda, a character I couldn't stand until now, she gained a tons of points in my eyes + she's also a girl's girlie so gg.

Also, special mention to the hint of peer pressure put on Candy and Amanda by the quartet. I didn't like it at all and it shouldn't be even a thing considering the context.

No is no, even if Roy supposedly enjoys voyeurism, I personally do not.

This is really a shame cause they butchered so many characters with this unnecessary sketch, Thomas being the worst of them in my eyes. I'm not sure if my perception of him was wrong from the start, but I don't recognize this character at all. Silly jokes, creepy hobbies, and an immature, teenage-like attitude were never traits I would have attributed to him. I know I keep repeating myself but it's truly a shame that such poor writing has impacted the perception and development of the characters, which now seems clearly different from how they were portrayed in the beginning...

Going forward, I made then the choice to leave with Amanda and warn Roy about their ambush. It was nice to have that option tbh. The whole scene afterwards, sneaking into the public pool and hiding in the lockers, was utterly embarrassing because it’s not the kind of behavior you’d expect from people in their late twenties, but whatever the problem it's the whole context so I can't complain about it too much.

Then Roy catches the sextet and pulls off his counter-prank. After snitching on us, we all decided it was a good time to play with water guns. Again, the idea was fun and silly in a good way, but context-wise mmh...

Now the long-awaited moment I've been patiently waiting for: the encounter with Jason.

Look at him I love him sm nsgsg

I had no idea how they would include him in the episode since he practically had nothing to do with the Devenemential gang. And honestly -unpopular opinion- they probably should have left him out of this messy episode because the reason they gave for his involvement didn’t fully convince me, and the special scene was disappointing.

Apparently, he also has deals with the guards -worst security protocol ever if you ask me- and he goes there once a week to train. And here I was thinking that the CEO of a famous and well-known company would have a private pool or the means to rent one lol. Looks like everyone's feeling the pinch these days. Good job Jason, saving money like the rest of us poor unfortunate souls, such a relatable boss.

Fun fact, it appears one of his dreams is to defeat Roy? In a swimming competition?? Like, okay? I'll gladly be there to root for you the day you actually succeed then dear.

Well maybe not everyone shares the same hobbies as you and Roy, Candy. Besides, why would he know about Roy's interests?? He's not as deranged as Thomas, who keeps tabs on his colleagues' private lives...

ANYWAY. Candy feels cold and needs to get out of the pool if she doesn’t want to catch pneumonia. Jason offers to help her by closing his eyes, but she’s not fully convinced. Again, NOT EVERYONE IS A PERV, CANDY. You're just the unlucky girl who's got to work with them. In fact you should bring him to Devenemential to have him teach your colleagues the art of not being crazy maniacs, I'm sure that could be of help.

I won't spend too many words on the next scene since I've already made a whole ass post ranting about it and sharing my headcanon. However, regarding the mistress scene, I will say that yes, it was poorly executed. But if the entire episode had followed this direction I would have gladly signed off on it because, all things considered, it’s not even remotely comparable to the plot we've endured so far.

Now for the special scene I am conflicted. Ngl I really thought for a split second that we actually managed to kiss him, but I quickly snapped back to reality when I realized it was just Candy being delusional and I am just as much as her. She must have ingested way too much chlorine to be having such a mental trip lol. Anyway, I didn't like it very much because it was clear that BV didn't know what to come up with. The fact that they managed to incorporate Jason into the plot was something, but asking for a well-written special scene was apparently too much.

On a side note, I’m DEAD TIRED of having to endure the worst humiliations in every single episode when we’re on Jason’s route. It's pretty embarrassing, and, at lest for me, it’s not easy to move forward without cringing every few minutes. Moreover, it always seems like he has to have the upper hand in every situation. When is our Candy going to stop acting like a fool and step up her game??

And that's all, the episode ends with Candy leaving the pool, wondering if she and Jason will ever stop meeting in the most weird way spoiler: you won't i assure you.

Now for the next episode I fear we’re in for another ‘fun’ plot since it’s called A Child at Heart, but honestly I have no idea what these interns will actually get up to. Maybe the theme will revolve around generational differences, since they seem to be Gen Z while our colleagues are more on the border of being Millennials? Idk but I do really hope the writing will be better than in this ep.

All things considered, I still have faith in BV. I know they have the ability to write a good story with a solid foundation when they want to—it’s just that I don’t know what’s happening with this series in particular. As other players have pointed out, it feels like this plot was originally conceived when NG was still set in a high school, and now they’re trying to repurpose it in a more 'adult' way. The problem is, it’s just not working.

The Halloween event is approaching, and let’s hope it can alleviate some of the discontent in the community. Hopefully the upcoming episodes will be better since they’ve addressed the topic in the forums but we'll see.

[shenlis-spear]

THE LEGEND OF SHEN LI 与凤行, 2024

⇢ starring: zhao liying, lin gengxin

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. (I'm talking about The Legend of Shen Li)

Let me preface this by saying I'm biased. And it's been a million years since I tried to put my thoughts into writing so this is gonna be all over the place and long-winded. And probably wouldn't make any sense. So here it goes.

I really enjoyed The Legend of Shen Li. Do I love it? With all my charred heart. Do I think it's the best drama this year? It's still April. It's hard to say. Are Shen Li and Xing Zhi the best power couple? This shouldn't even be a debate.

Honestly, I didn't even plan to chase this drama while it's ongoing because I binge watching drama is what I enjoy best. However, I was bored. And The Legend of Shen Li's trailer looked interesting. And my heart still needs healing from the mess of an ending that is Princess Agents. I needed closure. So I started watching the drama, and boy oh boy did it drag me down one hell of a roller coaster ride of emotions every single night. (No, I'm not complaining.)

However, before I talk about the things that I really loved about the drama, I have some things to say about the stuff that kind of irked me. Because no drama is perfect (unless it's Nirvana in Fire).

So let me get started on the things that I feel like the drama could've done better.

Musical scoring - the OST's? Chef's kiss. However, they way they're putting music on the scenes are a hit and miss. Most of the time it just distracts me from the scene and I just get bored with the mv-ish scene. I wish cdramas especially custom ones would stop this. I don't need 5 mins of the leads staring at each other in all angles accompanied by a really nice song. I'm here to watch a drama. Although, I kinda did get used to it in the latter episodes (specifically ep35-38) because I definitely needed a minute or two to process the emotions.

The progression of the story - One thing. I'm confused. Not to the point that "I don't understand the plot confusing" but still confusing nonetheless. There was no consistency in the scenes and the dialogues. (Ex fishing village). There was no flow. I feel like someone messed up the storyboard and when they edited the scenes they were also confused. Or maybe this is the issue of the translation of the dialogue? I don't even know. Still, I definitely think this part could've been done better.

The internal monologues - sigh when I said the thing I love most in dramas are their dialogues I don't mean what's happening in The Legend of Shen Li. The characters just talk (or think?) too damn much I can't keep up. They're supposed to be the characters whom their actions should tell the story but the way they're narrating the whole plot to me is just so jarring. Am I watching a drama or listening to an audiobook? Sometimes I can't tell. I wish they'd tone it down but it just got worse with the later episodes.

The camera - this is just me being nitpicky but there are some random camera angles especially the spinning ones that probably is supposed to make the scene dramatic but all it did was make me wanna vomit.

This is not in any way, shape, or form hating on the drama because I genuinely enjoyed it. I've deluded myself into waiting for a Princess Agents S2 but I got a better deal and had Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin to reunite in a new project which is better in my opinion because Princess Agents is a hot mess. There was really no saving that one.

So moving on to the things I like! But like, where do I even start?

First of all, Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin. Chemistry so good, they had to be casted in another drama. Everything about them was just so perfect for the drama and the role. Could not ask for a more perfect casting than them. The 7 year wait was almost worth it.

The WOMEN! - so much room for improvement regarding the characters but I loved that the women were not treated as damsels who always needed saving. I have to say 5 1/2 braincells were working throughout the drama, 2 from Shen Li, 1 from You Lan, 1 from Jin Niang Zi and 1 from Shen Mu Yue (1/2 from Xing Zhi because he's too unbothered if it's not related to Shen Li).

Shen Li - might not be the best female character in cdramaland but I think she can hold her own place. She's stubborn, a bit reckless but she's loyal and righteous. She's a strong woman without being a stereotypical cold and ruthless strong woman. Shen Li is a strong woman at the same time also a mad woman in love. She does not have to be one or the other. The more I write this the more I'm falling in love with her character. You just don't find a character like her. She is Shen Li. A capable general. A strong leader. An empathetic comrade. A respectful student. A woman in love. She is not just one of them but all of them.

Lin Gengxin is pretty believable playing as an ancient god. He has that air around him that screams your highness. He played the lofty and aloof Xing Zhi to perfection.

And what can I even say about Zhao Liying? As always miss ma'am played Shen Li perfectly. Whimsical, stubborn, in love and devasted in love, you can feel all those emotions just watching her eyes.

It has angst but not too much that we as viewers would spend multiple episodes pulling out hair of frustration about the misunderstandings and accidental killings. (Not a shade to any specific drama but just to the xanxia genre in general). It has the perfect balance of angst, romance and comedy. You laugh, cry and giggle all in one episode. The comic relief scenes are naturally funny and doesn't feel forced. Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin's comedic timing are 👌.

The conflict was handled maturely and the confession was direct but still heart fluttering. Throughout the drama, they both got their heads perfectly placed on their shoulders.

The last episode! Let us talk about the last episode because when has a drama provided that kind of fan service just making one whole episode of shenanigans and fluff. After going through the angst, the reward that is the last episode is just too good and definitely worth all the tears.

Also, can we talk about Dong Jie's guest role? I know miss ma'am is good but when I tell you I cried for a minute because of her story arc? Just hands up and mic drop. So so good!

Now that all of these are out of my system, hopefully I can move on to the next obsession, whatever that may be. I'll still probably watch episode 39 on a daily basis though. It's just too enjoyable and it makes my day. Will probably, revisit this "review" in the future and update it because I'm aware that at this point it's not making a lot of sense.

RATING: 9/10 REWATCH VALUE: 10/10 definitely would watch again! ACTING: 10/10 CATEGORY: GUILTY PLEASURE

[lexicals]

Aaaa okay I've finished the novels now too. Gonna put my thoughts down on them and how they compare to the tv version

So overall I think I like the novels better, the interiority you gain from the format adds a lot I think and it definitely benefits from not having to hold back on things like the gorey side of the supernatural elements (and yes, the gay as hell elements). I think that same lack of restraint in the writing adds a lot more comedy - while I thought the tv version was very funny, I found the books hilarious, and I think a lot of that is down to not having to pull punches on how outrageous wei wuxian gets to act, which is the core of the comedy so much of the time. I also felt that the ending was a lot more coherent, which makes sense given how much was cut out of it for the tv version, and obviously it's nice to have a confirmed post-canon marriage and continued adventures! The post-story cases were a lot of fun, I think some of my favourite parts were getting to see the two of them interact with their little gaggle of juniors and help guide them, it's very sweet.

As for criticisms, I have to be honest, the more mature scenes really weren't for me. I wasn't a fan of the blurry lines of consent (it felt like the aim was consensual non-consent, but... it still didn't sit right, especially some of the dream sequence stuff) and a lot of it felt fetishising to me, but then I suppose it's something to be expected from the genre, so I can't complain too much about it. I liked the fact that the in-universe homophobia was acknowledged and taken into consideration, but sometimes it felt like it was being played for titillation rather than taken seriously - again, though, genre conventions. It also felt like there was an underlying tone of colourism to the character descriptions, but honestly you could probably level that critique at the tv version as well. These were things that soured the experience a bit for me, but the overall read was still positive, and I did really enjoy the story even despite knowing what was going to happen already. It's a good tragedy when you're reading along thinking "maybe it won't happen this time" lol.

I find myself a bit confused as to what wei wuxian's actual cause of death was - obviously the tv version makes it very clear cut, but the book only calls it "spiritual rebound" and doesn't really elaborate or directly show anything from after the massacre, so it felt a bit vague. I suppose the idea is that he lost control during the siege and was torn apart by his own power? Not sure if I've missed something there or if it's just not very clear. It's not a huge annoyance but I was a bit surprised they didn't get into it more than passingly.

Anyway overall it was a really good read, and now I get to go read all the good fic that's out there :3 It's even poked my writing itch a little which hasn't happened in ages - idk if I'll actually follow through with it or just keep my musings to myself, but it's nice to have a nice big brain space to play in after a long time of not having one. I'm glad I finally got around to this after seeing other people talking about it for such a long time, it's been a while since I had a series grab me like this so it's been a lot of fun.

[demonslayedher]

As you may know, I recently moved to Osaka and have been welcomed by posters everywhere about this collab going on throughout the Osaka Metro. On my first commute to work, Tanjiro was there in one of my busy transfers to cheer me on, and I felt fully encouraged! But Uzui-san believed this was a good chance for me to get to know some of the stations better and sent me on this mission to search out clues and codes throughout seven stations, using the kit available for purchase which includes a few of the tools you need to solve the puzzles. I dressed up in a Suma-inspired blue theme today, and it seems he sent along a Muscle Mouse to watch out for me out there in the big city.

We weren't alone, though,and indeed spotted many people carrying the same kit through the afternoon.

I find the roles for this funny, like the kids have Pillar supervisors in each of their roles. I originally thought Uzui-san was also on the repair team, meaning Inosuke needs two Pillars to supervise him, but it seems Giyuu is stuck alone with Inosuke and Uzui is a conductor with Tanjiro, who wears his uniform more recognizably neatly. That puts Rengoku in charge of selling bentou with Nezuko (the bentou are at more risk with one of them than the other, they might all get purchased but not spread amongst the hungry masses), and Shinobu supervisoring Zenitsu in customer service. That's going to get annoying as they greet female passengers.

Anyway! Muscle Mouse and I started the day at the cafe. As usual with these events, there is a novelty surcharge, and you enjoy the food and drinks more for the fun and giggles than for the taste. They sweeten the deal by throwing in some number of freebie coasters depending on the price of your menu items. Since I'm welcoming myself to Osaka with this event, I went with something Osaka style, the fried skewers, aka kushi. One of them was inspired by a black Nichirin blade. I didn't mind it since I've done a lot of these and know not to have high expectations but Muscle Mouse insisted we were getting ripped off but ate half of them anyway.

After that we went shopping next door. As usual, I spent too much. But!! I got Kanroji socks!! No, not the socks, just white ones with her Nichirin-to hand guard motif, and they are adorable. Having bought the kit, I also got to spin the raffle once--or rather, Muscle Mouse spotted it and insisted on doing the hard work.

Muscle Mouse won an Inosuke postcard and wanted to show it off more, but I reminded him we still had a city's subways to explore.

Since there were some displays, we looked around more, found some demon slayers and a life-size Nezuko, eee so high and cute! Muscle Mouse didn’t care that he was totally covering up the view of Giyuu.

In our exploring, we accidentally found something we weren't supposed to find yet.

I realized pretty quickly that we shouldn't be there (yet) but Muscle Mouse was too proud of having accomplished the mission so quickly, I couldn't stop him from stamping our paper complete before we'd even started... sigh

As for the actual game, how long it takes you partially depends on how well you read instructions and navigate subway stations. For Muscle Mouse, who can't read, it took no time at all. For me, it took about 4 hours, but I really could had used Muscle Mouse's help at some navigational spots, for he knows a thing or two about mazes. Dang mouse was so proud of himself he fell asleep in my purse, though, belly full of that kushi he complained about.

As for me, it was fun, glad I did it! Some puzzles were easy, others were very satisfying to crack. I'm still happy to have Tanjiro smiling at me on my commute for a little while.

[sparrow-in-the-field]

Writer's Tag Game

Tagged by @strangethings-everywhere !! Thanks Anna!

Rules: Answer some or all of the questions below. Tag your fellow writers. Enjoy!

Link to your masterlist: I don't have a masterlist but here is my ao3! Not gonna bother linking my other ao3 account but if you ever want some BTS content just hmu and I got you lol.

Favorite and least favorite genres to write (angst/smut/fluff, etc): Favorite is for sure some hurt/comfort! Least favorite is any angst that doesn't have a happy ending, I just can't do it lol.

Favorite characters to write for? That's a hard question! I enjoy writing both Bobby and Don, it's hard to choose which I prefer lol; I've really been loving writing Bobby in The Cormorant though so maybe I'll say him. And Chuck Day! I looove writing Chuck, he was such a pleasant surprise when I wrote So Far So Good.

Which one of your works is your favorite? How am I supposed to pick one of my babies?? Lol. I mean, The Cormorant is so incredibly special and dear to me, I think that one will be my favorite for a long time even once it's finished. Out of my completed works, though, a kind of dark horse favorite is The Inherent Value of Warmth and Breath. I wrote that one soooo spontaneously but it turned out so well! I think it has a great balance of action and romance for just a little one shot.

Which one of your works is more popular than you thought it would be? It honestly still blows my mind that The Quiet Act of Loving Someone is the top kudos'ed fic in tbitb tag on ao3 (it just passed 200 kudos btw!! thanks for all the love! <3). Like I never thought something like that would happen with my fics.

Which one of your works is less popular than you thought it would be? So Far So Good my beloved!! I maybe went into it with too high expectations, because people had really loved Shy Boy, so I thought more people would be excited for a sequel. But alas, I guess Chuck/Roger isn't quite as popular. It still got some very nice love though, so I really can't complain!

Which one of your fics was hardest to write? Why? The Cormorant is definitely the hardest to write, but in a super rewarding way. There are just a lot of moving pieces (literally, with Bobby traveling lolol), and figuring out the timing of the month counting down, along with the balance of present day scenes, flashbacks, and dreams with Jack, it takes a lot of consideration for like, structure and organization. And then just thematically, it's very heavy and emotional to write. Which I love, it's so cathartic, but tbh sometimes I have to take breaks and think happy thoughts lol (such as post-fic fluff ideas for Bobby and Don hehe).

What is your favorite fanfic by someone else? Omg okay I'm limiting myself to three (and I'll try not to gush too much lol) but as Anna said there are so many amazing fics in our little fandom!! A huge favorite of mine is Someone Like You (I'm Ready) by teaforone ( @teaforarteza ) on ao3. This fic had me in an absolute chokehold and I still think about it to this day; the messy start, the stakes, the love confessions, the smut?? People died (me). It was also the first fic I read that emphasized Chuck and Bobby's friendship, which was eye opening. Next, I can't talk about fav fics without mentioning salix's (@seasidesandstarscapes )hockey au, Right in the Numbers!! Talk about messy lol, I was screaming at Don throughout this whole fic, and I fell in love with cam boy Bobby! Lastly, and most recently, I was so incredibly taken by effervescentyellow's (@effervescentyellow ) fic As Beautiful As You. It almost made me cry! There's just this overwhelming sense of warmth and acceptance and love, it feels like being wrapped in a cozy blanket and being told everything is going to be okay. It's so amazing.

Tags: umm I guess since I mentioned them above, I'll tag @effervescentyellow !

[jnjxi]

Him|

Pavitr Prabhakar × sister figure!reader

Platonic ✿

Warning: a bit angst, Sed!Pav, platonic relationship, reader's brother died :'(

The first time I met Pavitr Prabhakar my heart started bleeding again while memories of my brother resurface violently in my mind.Pavrit is elated, always full of energy and smiling.

Oh, that smile so bright it blinds, that smile so like his.

---

I loved being Spider-Girl, I loved coming home to hear my brother talk about how much he admired her, how much he admired me. But that all changed the day neither she nor I were able to catch him.

For two years I hated Spider-Girl.

The day Miguel O'Hara told me his death was my canon event I wanted to sink and for the next year I hated the universe.

Then I met Pav.

Pav eased my pain. Him so sweet and innocent, Him with that contagious smile, Him with that unique hope, Him with that energy and joy, Him who hasn't yet experienced the ugly side of being a spider-person, Him who hasn't yet experienced that excruciating pain in the heart, self-hatred or anger at the world.

He's maybe too good to be spider-man.

Now before I go home I stop by Pavitr's house and listen to Him blather about his girlfriend. I listen to Him talk about how great his aunt is, how much he likes tea, how much he enjoys spending time with Hobie and Gwen and how obvious it is to His eyes that the new guy has a crush on her.

I listen to Him complain about too much homework he has to do for the next day, I listen to Him talk and see sparks in His eyes I see hope for a better world, I see the love and passion he puts into everything he does.

I often see that little boy who ran to hug me every time I came home, the same boy I visit at the cemetery every night after I've been in Pavrit universe.

---

Now I look at Pavitr with tears in my eyes. I look at him as he is hunched over with his hands on his hair and his gaze fixed on the hole that has now swallowed many buildings.

I look at Pavitr and the fear of being able to see him disappear confuses my thoughts.

I lean towards him, placing a shaky hand on his shoulder but he doesn't seem to even notice my presence.

«Pav?»

Nothing.

«Pavitr»

he turns slightly towards me, and despite the mask covering his face I can feel the fear and desperation in his face.

«Everything will be fine, you did good. No one died that's what matters.» I smile at him even though he can't see it.

«But they could have, and now there's a giant hole sucking up the buildings. It could destroy everything » his accent is even more marked by the frustration in his voice.

«Pav, It's not your fault, you couldn't predict it, no one could. You did your best» My words seem to annoy him somehow. He take the mask off his face in one quick motion.

Now the eyes full of sparks observe me shining with tears and guilt.

«It is! I'm Spider-Man, I'm the hero! I'm supposed to avoid these things, I'm supposed to protect the citizens, not destroy the city.» Right now I no longer see the joyful child who greeted me, I see myself, I see another spider person angry at themselves.

I wrap my arms around Pavitr's shoulders and hug him. I can feel his body relax against mine, his arms around my waist and his weight on my body.

One of my hands reaches into his soft hair, gently scratching the scalp and I feel his chest rise and fall erratically as he sobs against my shoulder.

«Everything will be fine, we will fix everything. I won't leave you alone to fight»

«Do you promise?» His voice muffled against ma shoulder.

«I promise»

Him so fragile and so strong. Him full of ambitions, Him ready to do anything to protect the city, his city.

I hate this. It's awfully, but I wanted to post something.

Btw HE IS SO CUTE AND SWEET I WANT TO SQUISH HIS CHEEKS.

[eclipse-song]

so reading through the new zine and wow. it's weirdly beautiful in a way that speaks to me a lot. growing up between one half of my family being catholic and the other being baptist (don't ask, they do hate each other) I was always expected to go to the big wig church events when visiting extended family. Mind you, my parents have disconnected themselves from religion, and so did I after a while. I wouldn't say I've been religiously traumatized in a way, but growing up always knowing I was different in some way compared to all the people in the churches around me did something to my mind. And as I found out I was pan, it dawned on me what it meant. I don't go to many church events with extended family for that reason afterwards, but it wrecks my mind in a way.

How can religions- specifically Christianity and all sorts of branching roots and such- claim to be about love and peace, yet so many people be hateful? How can a story about a man who was so unabashedly good- so much so to the point where he's arguably influenced major history events- be the reason for many peoples' prejudice? It's a question I ask myself on the daily. Maybe it's better for me to think less about it.

I dunno, these are all my weird ramblings going on about stuff while reading your Zine. I did genuinely enjoy it though. I suppose making me conjure up all these thoughts does actually do a great service, so compliments, I guess? I dunno.

I'm really glad my zine connected with you!!! I put religious trauma as a warning for people but honestly,,,,I don't know if I can classify myself as traumatized by religion. More like my trauma influenced my perception of religion.

I have a very strange relationship with things where I was raised catholic but my family was never strictly religious. We went to church most sundays but my mom complained about finding a new priest if it was too long or too preachy, and my dad never went to communion and never really explained why outside of not feeling the need to and we were all chill with that. We openly criticized the institution of the catholic church and were really left leaning politically. When Pope Benedict was chosen as the new Pope I was a little kid and watching the news with my uncle. He was a pothead retired DJ who spent half the year living with my grandma and I remember asking him "who's the new Pope?" and he told me "Benny the Rat." and I nodded like I understood what that meant and just thought it was super funny. I luckily never had any super right wing religious people I knew or encountered growing up. In highschool we had the rare conservative teacher but everyone rolled their eyes at them. After a while I just kinda came to terms with "idk what it is strictly out there, I just think it's nice thinking there are things we can't explain and the universe is full of lots of different beasties who can do things and it's much more fun and makes things a lot more interesting that way"

[because-its-eurovision]

[kicks down your door] I HEARD YOUR ANXIETY WAS TALKIN SHIT AND IM HERE TO THROW HANDS WITH IT

okay first off, I know how you feel, and you know that I know cus you've seen me have anxiety episodes with these similar feelings of not being good enough or being unimportant or unwanted during out shared time in BC fandom. so I would like to start just by squeezing your hand and reminding you that you're not alone or the only one to occasionally feel this way, your feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel them, even tho they're not based on anything rational and you don't deserve to feel like that, because you are important and valued by the people around you.

you don't owe a participation fee to be part of a fandom. not in money, not by dedicating a certain number of hours, not by creating a specific amount of content, not by reaching some threshold of followers to be considered popular enough to participate. if you like the thing, you qualify. that's all there is. also, fandom is not a limited space with a numbered seats where one person's involvement is somehow taking room from anybody else. fandom is a universe that expands infinitely as more and more people join. it's impossible to take up space that you wouldn't deserve, because there is always more room for everybody to join.

furthermore, I may not be in the Käärijä fandom but I've been lucky to share fandom(s) with you in the past, and I've seen the way you contribute. you have always been one of the nicest, most welcoming, supportive people around, you're so willing to answer everyone's questions and welcome them into your space, and I don't think you even realize how important it is to have people like that in fandoms. the love and kindness and encouragement you show to others has not gone unnoticed, and that is also a way of contributing, and something I've seen you do so much for as long as I've known you. I mean, where in the hell else am I supposed to throw my dumb ESC questions at? people are scary, so I need someone nice and easy to approach. I need you. so your claim about how you don't do your part is, with all due love and respect, complete bullshit anyway <3 you do more than enough, you just don't see it yourself.

last but not least, Käärijä gigs may be queer safe spaces, but they're not queer exclusive. in fact, very few, if any, queer spaces in the world are ever exclusive - even pride parades, drag shows or gay bars aren't, straight cis people who have the basic decency and respect towards the culture are welcomed to those too. so for a music show by an artist that, afaik, isn't even openly queer himself? you're absolutely 100% allowed to go and enjoy your time. it is your space just as much as everyone else's.

you're a fucking gift and the Käärijä fandom is fucking blessed to have you. I'm aggressively kissing your forehead and I hope you can make it and have fun at the cruise. you deserve it. 🖤

Coming from you, this means so much 🥺 and you just reached out to be nice and give encouraging words?? 😭🖤 You're the person I looked up to the most when BCtumblr was in its most active phase, and still do, because you always have your way with words and take time to be wise and insightful and kind to everyone passing by despite battling your own anxiety demons, and I know you have it so much worse than I do which again makes me feel guilty for complaining and extremely grateful for you being so supportive.

I'm just so tired of feeling ashamed of myself and like I'm never good enough, and the constant voice in my head telling that I should be funnier and nicer and braver and prettier and more outgoing and spontaneous, and you telling me that I'm kind and friendly is so nice but strange because I do not see that side in myself at all, and I maybe feel like being welcoming or answering asks isn't tangible enough?? Like you know as opposed to producing content, because I can't draw or write fics or make tiktok edits or memes or be the first to post or comment something, and while I do know it's not demanded and nobody gives a rat's ass about what I do or don't do or post, I kind of feel responsible to pay back to the fandom(s) that have given me so much. I believe that the feeling of never doing or being enough or the pressure of being constantly present isn't a fandom-specific problem but a part of everyday life now, for me at least, but in fandom spaces, bubbles, it is somehow more concentrated.

I'm also feeling constantly guilty about being white and cis and straight and healthy because there are so many around me that are not and a having hard times because of that, and I try to do my best for making the world a better place and be a good ally and a decent person, but I'm just one guy and I'm exhausted, and even right now there are multiple anon asks in my box calling me out and saying I'm disgusting because I'm not saying what they want to hear and posting the kind of content they'd like to see from me, and. it's just too much. i'm so tired of being alive sometimes.

Thank you for being in my life, Abby. Ily 🖤

[risu5waffles]

If Roppongi Is Six Trees, What's the Word for TEN Fires?

Here we are again, something, something pleasure.

We played these on stream and i just fell in love wiv them. The concept is just so good. Little dioramas clearly conveying the feel of the different story mode stages? Like, that's inspired. And it largely works. There're a few bits here and there where they could have tightened and polished, but it totally works, and i'm surprised it took this long for me to stumble across someone who did it and did it well.

The concept here is cute and funny, and it's another one where i found myself thinking "why haven't i seen someone try something like this sooner"? The execution leaves a little to be desired, tho'. i feel like the course takes you away from the scoreboard to soon and for too long, so you kinda lose that little extra spice that sells you on the play. Still, the race is a solid one, not top-tier, but definitely good and fun. Kuro_96_33 did another really good level that i may take a look at in the future, but that @soupum has covered on his channel, where they go through the basics of level design and how connectors work, wiv a little bit of simple logic (LBP1-era) set-up for good measure (that area's unfortunately broken, but you can leave the level after the basics have been covered). It's really good advice for new creators, and presented clearly (bilingually, no less!), and not in any kind of jerky way. i really enjoyed that one.

Someone on the subreddit asked "hey, how do i get the Simon Says pin", and someone else rec'ed this level, and i thought "hey, i don't have the Simon Says pin either, and now i do, and you could too. i should play wiv state sensors more. i feel like you could get up to all kinds of shenanigans. Maybe next level.

It's a level about K-trucks. i like K-trucks. i have fond memories of riding home from bbq's when we'd visit honeybunny's folks down in Amami. Everyone drunk as hell and piled in the truck bed. i've also got a pretty bad story that didn't directly involve me, but hurt some folx i care a lot about, so maybe i should shut my mouth before i go and make myself sad. Still love k-trucks tho', and this level's a fun little race, so i can't complain about that.

We talked about this on Friday. It's still very much what it is. This particular footage was from before i figured out you could get that score bubble sign, unfortunately, but i was too busy putting out fires to go and swap the videos. Such is life, sometimes.

i really loved this level. Some of the bits were actually kind of tricky, and i was kind of proud of myself that i got them figured out. i feel like it's pretty rare anymore to see these kinds of puzzles; working both the brainmeats, but also actually physically manipulating things. It was super cool to run into this one.

This one was alright enough, i guess? Pretty standard post-MGS DLC kill everything wiv the paintinator platformer. It's fine. Not particularly inspired, but fine. It is a shame it's broken the way it is. The level might not have been top of the pops, but i was having a good enough time wiv it. Just LBP1 things, i guess.

This one's actually surprisingly good. Solid, robust platformer, nicely presented. The enemies are a bit of a mixed bag, but i think that's fairly par for the course for an LBP1 level. It could be a bit tough to make things act wiv dynamism. Not impossible, but i feel like it was a limited palette for the types of enemies you could work in. Still, just looking at them from an objects standpoint, they're nice enough, and that dragon-y thing at the end was pretty cool.

---------------------------------------------------

So that's the ten for this go about. If you missed the last post, i have to write a term paper about why i'm trans, and why i totes need this fucking on-paper diagnosis, and it can't be 5000 words of "because immigration fucked me and won't update my paperwork the way they're supposed to." Actually, i don't know how long it's supposed to be; the nurse didn't specify. She just said "from childhood," and i wanna be, like, "bitch, i am 45 fucking years old. 'From childhood' covers a goddamned lot of goddamned ground by this point." i may be experiencing a little stress.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: A Song of Ash and Moonlight by Claire Legrand

3/5. Releases 9/17/2024 (in audio).

The Vibes: slow burn, star-crossed lovers, muuuusic

Heat Index: 5/10

The Basics:

Although the curse on her family has been listed, Farrin struggles with the loss of her missing mother—and the fact that, as the Middlemist weakens, she must ally with Ryder Bask. She loathes him... but their connection may run deeper than she realizes.

The Review:

I approached this book really hopeful that it would be an improvement over the previous installment, A Crown of Ivy and Glass. Which wasn't a bad book; it just had some clear weaknesses. Unfortunately, I think I actually liked this one a bit less, despite the fact that I was excited about Ryder and Farrin after some hints in the ACoIaG.

Here's the thing: This book was too long.

And that's a common complain of mine lately. It's too long for a romance, including a fantasy romance. I would argue that it's especially too long because the world really doesn't need that much building. I like that Legrand has a cohesive plot arching over three books here with an otherwise standalone love story in each one. I used to read a lot of trilogies in this vein by Nora Roberts, including fantasy and paranormal series. Although she wrote about different standalone couples in each one, she spent less time explaining the backstory of the world in the second and third installments... Because the first covered it.

For all that the love story is meant to stand alone here, you are meant to read the first novel before this one. Often, the first book in a series like this is the rockiest, with smoother transitions into the second or third. I don't know if this was rocky, per se. The plot wasn't bad, the couple should've worked for me...

But it was just so slow, and part of that was the length. Part of that was again, as I've said often in romance reviews, the focus on Farrin's POV. I didn't feel like I got to know Ryder, and if I don't know Ryder, how can I know their love properly?

Fantasy-heavy readers may actually like this more, and I feel that the fantasy and political (as it is) aspects of the plot worked better than they did in the last. But I just couldn't really attach myself to the characters. When I could focus on the plot, I wasn't bored. I just could've focused better, in my opinion, with better character development and tighter editing.

Another thing I would say—I like Legrand's prose. I liked Farrin's voice (and I love that she's neurodivergent). There are so many components here I should like, so I can't say it's a bad book. It just read like the glue was missing.

The Sex:

I was also, I won't lie, disappolnted by the drop in heat in this one. Yes, I suppose it theoretically made sense for Farrin and Ryder. But it could've made sense for them to have more sex, too. I don't think I'd care as much if I wasn't excited for this couple and expecting more based off the last novel.

There's a recipe here. It just either isn't for me, or there's something missing. I don't know if I'll pick up the next book, but if what you wanted more of was the fantasy and non-romance plot from the last novel, you'll probably enjoy this a lot more than I did.

Thanks to NetGalley and Dreamscape Media for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[merrilark]

Huh. Well, that was???

That was an episode lol

????

Not much of the way of spoilers below, but it is critique of the show so far. Prefacing by saying I am having a lot of fun and I'm enjoying Fifteen and adoring Ruby, but there is a lot of Critique™ all the same.

I'm just gonna do these in bullets bc that's easier.

Struggling to feel connected with the stories because I don't feel that it's letting us connect (Christmas Special and, imo, "Space Babies" aside), and I think that's because it feels like we've jumped into the middle of Ruby and Fifteen's relationship. Ruby keeps saying stuff that implies they've been traveling together MUCH longer than 6 episodes and they behave like they're best buddies, ride or die, and it doesn't totally feel earned?

Fifteen is lovely and undoubtedly The Doctor, but also he's just a bit too polished for my taste. I have to agree with a friend who said he's a little too much like a cool, popular kid, and lacks that slightly weird alien eccentricity.

I also miss the Doctor discovering himself. I enjoy Fourteen a lot and, some nitpicks aside, I think it was a fun way to bring Tennant back. But it also feels like Fourteen was a simple cop-out for getting to see more of Fifteen's growth. Instead he already feels fully formed and like he's ditched all the previous regenerations' baggage. I don't think it is quite that easy, mind, I think "Space Babies" implies that he's actually not as okay as he seems, but it still feels like an easy way out of him working through a lot of stuff.

Slightly related but Ruby upstages the Doctor by miles imo and has since after the Christmas Special. I'm not complaining, I just think it's interesting that this is the first time when I've watched the companion MUCH more than the Doctor.

Gosh, everything really is just very on the nose, isn't it? I suppose DW always could be a little hamfisted, but points whether it's messages or plot explanations feel very spoon-fed at times, and some of that spoon-feeding feels a little forced with not a lot of purpose.

Particularly, I'm talking about the "Finetime is racist" bit in the latest episode. I'm happy to see that others are happy with it and glad it exists, and maybe I'm just missing it because I'm not POC, but it felt like such a random point to make at the end without much narrative purpose because it happens literally right at the end and doesn't actually deal with it beyond "Finetime is racist to the point of being willing to die over it, Doctor is shocked bc this is a new experience for him". Maybe this revelation will crop up again and he'll have to deal with it more meaningfully in another episode but as it stands, I just thought it was a nice point to make but the execution felt empty. I hesitate to say "pandering" because I do think the writing is earnest and trying to be honest, but without giving it room for substance, it feels tacked on as an afterthought.

Which unfortunately I think is a problem with a lot of these episodes—they, or maybe just the Doctor—often feel empty. I can't quite place why. The heart is sometimes there, and it's often trying very very very hard to be there, but something about it just keeps whiffing the mark for me.

In general, I'm not super digging the magic angle. I understand why it's there (thanks, Fourteen) and it's fine but it's also not really my cup of tea.

I dunno. I am enjoying myself and it's nice to get excited again about Doctor Who, but I keep wishing for more than what it's giving. I'd say I'm getting too old but I'm still a massive kid at heart so I'm inclined to believe it really is just a writing and pacing issue.

Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I'm being a bit of a Negative Nancy.

[cj-writes-things]

Roses

A semi-horror short story, entirely told through the narration by the antagonist, with implied actions/dialogue by the reader here and there. Basically, an anthophile is taking you on a tour of her house

*disclaimer: I don't write much in the realm of horror, this was one of my attempts at venturing into the genre and was written maybe... 2 years ago? So it might be a bit lackluster or awkwardly written; constructive criticism is welcome as always :3

~~~

Why roses, you ask? They're so... beautiful, so fascinating. I wished to fill my whole life with them, and so I did.

Lovely red gardens surround my home; I've even got a statue of one in the center of the yard! Paintings and tapestries turn the walls into yet another rose garden, and the flowers decorate the pillows of my couch and fill various vases on every table.

In my study I have a shelf which holds every book about roses I could get my hands on- gardening guides, botanist's studies, poetry, you name it.

I even named my cat Rose, and the cat before her, and the cat before him, and so on.

I tried to dye rose patterns into my hair, but it always turned out quite messy and a bit gruesome-looking. So I decided to have them tattooed all over my body instead!

Ah, you've noticed all the smoke. There are a lot of rose-scented candles burning around the house. My shampoo, lotion, and all that- those are rose-scented too! Isn't it a delightful aroma?

I'm glad you agree. My neighbors didn't like it so much. They whispered about me behind my back, calling me awful things like "obsessed" and "fanatic," but they simply didn't appreciate my dedication toward my interests.

But anyway, off of such distasteful topics! Would you like some rose hip tea? I enjoy a cup every afternoon, and you're just in time. There are cupcakes under that glass, if you'd like one. Pretty, aren't they? Cake without sugared rose petals decorating the frosting is a culinary travesty, if you ask me.

Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean, "all the cabinets are full of dead roses?" Of course they are! Do you think I'd just throw them out after they wilt? Don't be silly. You're starting to sound like my neighbors.

Well, if you don't like my kitchen, at least come down to see my personal laboratory. I'm something of a botanist myself. Come along; we're almost done with the tour.

Just down these stairs here, and through this door-

Yes, the room is soundproofed; I can't have anything disturbing my work, now can I?

Well, what do you think? Topiaries, strangling vines, the biggest roses you've ever seen- I'm quite proud of it all. I've been playing around with horticulture, genetic manipulation, controlled growth-

What are you doing?

That door is locked, silly. You won't get out that way. Why do you look so frightened, anyway?

Oh, that? That was Paul; he lived two doors down. He said my climbing vines were ugly, so I thought he ought to get to know them better. They're quite close now, as you can see. Isn't that nice? Paul doesn't insult my plants anymore, that's for sure!

Stop shaking, dear, you'll knock over my flower pots. They weren't originally that red, did you know?

Ah, well, how could you have? But don't fret, I'll let you in on the secret: I acquired the all-natural red paint from my annoying neighbor Shirley.

She used to complain about all the thorns that got into her yard from my rosebushes, said they were getting stuck in her children's feet. I figured, well, I'd give her something to complain about!

Though she doesn't do much of that these days; it's hard to whine with a four-foot thorn through your stomach, as one might expect.

I don't suppose you want to see the rest?

No?

All right, well that concludes our tour then.

"Leave?" No, silly, you don't leave at the end of my tour. Now you get to join the collection!

Isn't that exciting?

[kyrodo]

I am gradually losing Red I feel. Truth be told I wish I came with Red for his dad's funeral and that might've helped not only him but us. But nothing changes the fact that Red always felt like a limiter or a sinking ship. His inability to change his life gets constantly spilled over me. His low availability, the times he spent sitting in the car instead of going into our apartment to see me. The times I went behind is back for the crush in 2020. The times he left me to myself when I needed him most, similar to what I did to him I suppose. But the ongoing theme with Red is he's unavailable. He's too busy. He wants his space. He gives me sudden cold shoulders. It's difficult to find anything to do together with him, often shooting down things like risk of rain, or gunfire reborn or whatever and making planetside the ONLY thing he ever wanted to play.

There's never time to cuddle. There's no attempt to go gluten free for a day so we can kiss. Sex is usually me being blue balled with promise that we'll get back to it, but I know 100% of the time that's a lie. There's constant complaints about me not supporting enough or us not doing anything together but the times we did do something together like the arcade he completely removed the moment I bring up the slightest inconvenience. And then he would try to waste my time in the car and at the store wasting as much time as possible and then have the nerve to tell me to go to sleep the moment we finally get home.

And I'm tired. I'm tired of this snob story about how he can't accomplish anything, can't complete projects, can't get into IT, can't get a degree etc. He used to be my social hub and now he's so incredibly and willingly hermitted that he can't be that anymore. It always feels like I'm on my own. For spending my free time, for gaming, for having any kind of social life. And it doesn't surprise me that I keep falling in love with people.

Because my body knows something that I didn't, and it's this ever pressing feeling that I'm on a sinking ship and Red was bringing me down with him. The things he complains about most are glaring contradictions that he makes extremely difficult to do. Not enough support. Not enough things to do together. While somehow not realizing or not acknowledging that it is a reality of his own creation. That this is the path he laid out for us by his constant pickiness, by his constant workaholic attitude. And I admit if I was a bit better with keeping up with chores or doing some of the cooking it would make things easier for him and for us. But I also know his adhd will waste most of that anyway or he will just offer more planetside which I don't enjoy.

Choskey is an entire world of activity. Of unconditional love and affection. Of unexplored possibilities. And he's never given me the cold shoulder like Red does. He's never been particularly mad at me. I am the whole world to him. And he himself runs into a lot of failure. A lot of avoiding whatever responsibility he needs to be doing often blatantly in every way he possibly can.

But he offers so much more hope than Red does. So much less anger. Red is vicious. Political. News focused. World focused. He sees the world outside and cares so deeply about things we can't even control. I sense a lot of spite. A lot of it directed at himself for his inability to accomplish his ideas. And it affects me too. And getting additional support emotionally from Choskey is the best thing I've ever done. I understand how much Red's migraines affect things. His bipolar nature. His adhd. And that side of things he can't control. But I'm done. I'm done being told I can't stay up late. I'm done being heavily stifled by him. Controlled and complained to about things I can't even make better for him. I can't change the fact that I'm a night owl. And I wish Red would understand his own side of things before bringing up the fact that he doesn't have someone to value highly. He actively avoids all social contact. He doesn't participate or join when I used to enter vrchat a lot. He completely turns away from me when I try to hold or be held by him. And that is something I can't control. I can't fix problems that you are actively creating.

Choskey is so pure. So precious. He has an immense family, he has so many friends, he has a clear idea of what he likes and dislikes and I can understand and work with it. Red constantly keeps things to himself. Red avoids playing the things I play. He always spends way more hours at work than he's obligated to. And I can't do anything about that. He's so moody. He shifts so quickly from interactive to completely depressed that I can't even keep up with it. Every time I think he's fine he's not. And there's nothing I can do about it.

This was a problem in the past but it must be brought up again. I always want my efforts to be rewarded. I always want to know someone I spent time with was mutually enjoyable. I always want to feel appreciated for pushing past my social limits to ask about something and have a positive outcome. Activity ideas. Know that the time we did spend made someone happy, etc. And I always feel that with Choskey. I never feel that with Red. I am an introvert. The easier things are made for me the better and Choskey always wants to do things with me. Red is a completely different story.

And maybe that's what I want more from someone than anything when it comes to love. Mutual happiness. Approval. Affirmation. Willingness. High success rate whenever I ask about anything. Agreement. Communication. Transparency. Reasoning. And whenever something happens I want to know why. I want always know someone loves me. I want to always feel wanted. And as Choskey himself said I want them to revolve around me. I don't actively push for that but I know the selfish want exists, and Choskey so readily wants to be in my arms, wants to spend time with me doing literally anything. Wants to be part of everything I do, and Red has always been Red. Depressed. Migrained. Interested in a lot of things well over my pay grade to understand. Choskey loves to have fun. Red loves to be successful. And I personally love to have fun. And love to have someone who would actually have fun with me. When Red smiles, rarely is his smile genuine. He is broken inside and I used to be the only thing keeping from breaking down for 15 years. And I'm realizing I want more than just to be pampered and taken care of. I also want to be happy. I want to be loved by someone soft, excited, warmed by my presence, who completely lights up the moment I am there with them, and that's Choskey. Choskey is hope that my life won't end in whatever tragedy Red is leading us towards. Choskey is hope that I can be happy again, have things to look forward to again, furry social events etc are all things he wants to be a part of. Red can't handle 15 minutes at a furcon dance floor without needing frequent breaks. Without being socially burned out or complaining about the light frequency affecting his migraines, or the crowd and loud noises. Choskey would love it as much as I do.

I wish Red was less Red when we played games like borderlands, or even dbd right now. He treats it as a game to dick around instead of actually play, always playing the killer but trying to actively max out the enemies points or giving them maximum advantages. He plays games he hates to satire them and I can't understand or deal with that. He's always getting frustrated at people for not understanding rules he literally made up. And that almost reminds me of someone I once knew.

I don't want difficulty, especially in ways that normally wouldn't be a problem with most people. I want reception. I want ease. And Choskey is the very essence of what I want in someone I love.

[blahandwhatever]

Most of my time since Christmas has been split between work and sleep and chilling, glad to have the big hurdle behind me, enjoying my own cozy-at-home version of the holidays. Played my new game. Finished decorating my tree a little too late, but good enough to enjoy for at least a few weeks. Didn't have as much of a mess to deal with at home as I had the past two years, maybe because there wasn't as much of a focus on shopping - for gifts, outfits, and home stuff - to derail my regular chores (which, to be fair, I've also gotten a bit better at).

Did some fussing over money and expenses, tired of being strained there. Got my first paycheck from my new job, but it was very small. The next one will also be smaller than I hoped due to things slowing down over the holidays. With other jobs also slowing down this month - and studies too - there was barely any improvement.

I got some cash for Christmas, finally learned I could actually get that into my online bank account by doing a PayPal cash deposit at a store like Walgreens and then transferring that to my bank, did that, and used the money toward rent and groceries.

Got a belated gift card from a job and used it to stock up on a few cosmetics I'd run out of, leaving me with more of the 'oh, this decidedly does do something for my skin' experiences that it's easy to forget after doing the same routine for years. I've seen a fair amount of the 'skincare is a scam' sort of sentiment lately, and I'm sorry, but no (at least not all of it).

Tomorrow I have a phone call (with an agency?) about a higher-paying job (hopefully that actual job and not just their jobs in general?), but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I've applied for jobs very, very little lately.

Once again, I failed to go to Chicago in December. I really wanted to but really didn't feel like it anytime in the past week and also really needed the $10-$15 I would've had to use for parking (not to mention gas). Oh well - I'll probably go in January, and it should still be good.

The Nielsen Neuro labs in Chicago have shut down, so that era is over.

This weekend I relaxed and cleared various things away - clothes piles, mail piles, post-it note piles, dead leaves/flowers on the balcony I should've swept in the fall - to start the new year on the right foot.

My mother called, asked if I had plans for today, said she had the day off. I'd never been interested in visiting again a week after the holidays, but at least she didn't suggest a sleepover this time, and, given how she can't spend the day with my father now, I agreed to go for dinner. It wasn't a particularly friendly invitation, and she spent most of the phone call complaining about my brother, who had had a surgical procedure and hadn't planned or communicated things as she thought he should have. I listened mostly patiently but felt tired of this.

Today I woke up very tired, though I thought I'd slept enough. Might have been recuperating from my period. Managed to get going and get there at a reasonable time. The forecast had predicted a sunny day, but it was just another gray one. Much as I sometimes bemoaned my inability to get out before dark in previous years, winter with neither sun nor snow isn't usually much of a sight to behold in the daylight.

We had dinner, which was okay for a while. My father was home and came down to exchange Happy-New-Years. I had sent him a text earlier, and he'd texted back. Had hoped not to see him. He asked if I'd heard from my brother, who was staying with friends. I said we'd exchanged Happy New Years. He said, somewhat petulantly, that my brother hadn't texted him. I clarified that I'd texted him first. He walked back upstairs bitching about my brother being a spoiled brat who didn't know he was supposed to text his parents. It was an attitude I'd dealt with myself too many times, spending most of my life tiptoeing around this man's ego, temper, and toxic family rule minefield. But in some ways, at least as a parent, he'd become better in recent years, so this was somewhat unexpected. I sat there still and silent for a while, too full to keep eating, thinking about how much I hated my father.

Soon enough, the conversation with my mother dried up, and she said, somewhat petulantly, that if I didn't have anything to talk to her about, she was going to go watch her TV show. Went upstairs and left me alone in the kitchen with my coffee and pie.

I felt a little guilty but also tired of being made to feel guilty all my life for not having enough to say. By someone who, for her part, cannot learn to ever enjoy a loved one's company in silence, and rarely takes me up on offers to do things besides just sitting and talking.

She returned after a while, and I questioned her attitude, and she once again acted like the victim. Said nobody cares about her or thinks about her feelings, among other things. Said she didn't like feeling like my spending time with her was forced. Said maybe we needed space from each other like I'd sometimes asked for myself. I just felt so tired and done.

I bothered responding only a little, and then I got going. I cried a little in the car. Back home, I texted my father about his earlier commentary on my brother. Reminded him, again, to stop taking out his childhood neglect and trauma on the wrong people. I hope he doesn't respond. Aside from Christmas, we haven't really talked since things between him and my mother were more dramatic.

Didn't manage to get anything else done that I was supposed to today - too tired and out of it. I'll do my real end-of-year reflections another day.

Whenever I see a 'What do you want to leave behind in [insert year]' type of thing, the #1 answer is always my family's bullshit. I know that will never completely end, and I'll never actually want to cut them off completely. But I am forever seeking an ever more lasting state of psychological immunity, of being above it all, along with occasional nips in the buds of some of the toxicity. History is the evolution of the consciousness of freedom (from your parents, in many cases).

[timeoverload]

I woke up this morning full of existential dread and was really depressed. I was contemplating asking the health nurse/HR to take leave for my mental health. I've never done that for mental health reasons before but I'm just so overwhelmed right now and I have been struggling for a long time. I had a really bad panic attack and had to lock myself in the bathroom at work for like 10 minutes to hide it. I am just so tired.

I also have only been eating once or twice a day for like 2 months because my stomach is constantly in knots and I'm always anxious. I know I need to eat more and I try to force myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me. It's nearly impossible to eat when I'm in this state but I am way too thin right now and it's really bad. I burn more calories than I can consume. I have been unhealthy for so long and sometimes I wonder how I'm even alive. I have been trying to drink supplement shakes to try to make it through the day and snack when I'm able to. My soda addiction is also out of control but I need the caffeine to keep moving. I hate it. I told myself that I need to tough it out a little bit longer. I have been so emotional and angry and my moods have been all over the place and I started experiencing intrusive thoughts for the first time in a while. I probably need to increase the dosage of my medication again or try something else. I have been more anti-social than usual and I've been avoiding everyone as much as possible because I have truly felt insane.

I also have felt shunned by some of my family lately and they know how depressed I've been so it really doesn't help. I keep to myself now mostly and I try to be quiet. I thought things were starting to get better but I was wrong. My sister has been running away from me again and I don't know what I did. We are 15 years apart so I guess that could be part of it. My brother acts the same way but there are only 8 years between us but he's too cool to talk to me or something. I know he has been going through a lot too. I haven't been getting invited to do anything with them. They went to my aunt's for her birthday but I guess they didn't want me there. Last night my dad grilled burgers for his girlfriend and everyone else but didn't say anything to me. I don't expect him to cook for me all the time or anything but sometimes it would help and I am afraid to ask him. I kind of feel left out. I know I'm an adult and should be able to take care of myself. He knows I have struggled with food since I was a kid and I still remember him getting so mad at me for being picky and him fighting with my mom about it. I feel like he hasn't enjoyed cooking for me since then. I'm not as picky now as I used to be and I almost always eat everything he makes me when he actually does offer me something. He still does do a lot for me so I can't complain too much. I guess I just wish he and I had a better relationship so I would feel comfortable talking to him about stuff like that. We get along most of the time but we have never been that close. We definitely don't agree on some things. Sometimes I wish my mom was around too because at least she made sure I was fed. Her cooking wasn't even that good a lot of the time but I miss it anyway. I wish I could call her and have an actual conversation instead of hearing her tell me that I'm evil and then rambling on about shit that doesn't even make sense. I don't even know where she is right now and my dad had to block her on all of our phones because she was harassing us. It's so hard because I used to be able to go to her for advice when I was a kid but I can't do that now. I'm also afraid of ending up like her because I feel like I'm headed that direction mentally. I really need to see a psychiatrist in the near future.

I'm not sure what happened but I'm feeling stable at the moment but I don't know if it will last. I guess I took a shower and picked up a little bit when I got home so I suppose that could have helped. My back hasn't hurt too much today at least. Salazaar also came to sit with me so that was nice. I need to try to eat something but literally nothing sounds good and I'm frustrated about it. I will figure it out eventually like I always do. I'm also kicking myself for not taking my birthday off this year but it's not like I have anything going on so it doesn't matter. I guess it's probably better for me to go to work and try to be social than sit at home by myself in the dark all day.

I am going to try my best to pull myself together tonight because I desperately want the rest of my week to be better than today was. I feel like I have been saying that a lot. I'm also going to attempt to cut down on my caffeine consumption too because it's just exacerbating my current issues. I'm trying to focus on making healthier choices even though it's really hard. I don't want to end up in the hospital. I'm going to eat as much as I can and try to relax. I'm planning on meditating for a while before I go to bed too because sometimes that helps. I don't like feeling like this and I don't want to do it anymore. I am reminding myself that I do have people that care about me and I'm not totally alone right now. I will get through this and everything is going to be fine.